Anonymous asked:
UPDATE: WIBTA for telling a couple I'm a mistress for both of them?
some people asked for an update on the situation and so I'm here to deliver I guess. I ended up dealing with the situation quite a bit before my question actually got posted because it was kinda time sensitive (to me at least, I did not feel comfortable sitting on that info any longer than I already had).
thanks for all y'all's kind words though, and for all the jokes at my expense. to the person who said this would happen to a modern george costanza I just need you to know ive laughed about that like a million times and I'm a little in love with you bc of it. my life is typically incredibly boring so this has been a Time, to say the least.
so. here's what ended up happening.
I ended up meeting with my therapist the day after I submitted the ask to talk about normal therapy stuff, but also to get her take on this situation i'd found myself in. she said that involving myself in this situation more than I needed to was a bad idea, that I shouldn't try to talk things out and should likely just cut contact with both of them and not divulge info about the fact i'd been dating both of them.
this kind of left a bad taste in my mouth because I guess I felt like I would owe it to both of them to at least explain why I'm dipping from our relationships? because even though there's not commitment necessarily, lots of feelings have been shared and reciprocated and it wouldn't feel right to just walk away with no explanation. I also wasn't really wanting to break up with either of them despite the fact that I'd started to grow kind of upset about being made into a mistress without knowing. im still giving them both grace for their mistakes, but can't deny that I've been feeling really hurt by the whole situation.
I also ended up talking to a friend of mine who suggested that hosting a talk with both of them at my place would be a bad idea since if things went bad between them I wouldn't be able to just leave, and I agreed after thinking about it.
I really wasn't sure how to approach this because no option felt good? or right? so I ended up taking a kind of clumsy route. the day after therapy I invited C over to my place to talk because she tends to be the more level headed and less emotional of the two of them, and I thought it would be easier to explain to her first.
I admitted to her that I knew M, and that I'd actually been seeing him for a little longer than I'd been seeing her. I told her I hadn't known they were married or that they even knew each other until the day I confronted her about having a partner.
she was pretty taken aback and upset that I hadn't said anything before (fair), and I apologized and told her that I didn't know how to approach the situation without potentially ruining things for them and that's why I waited to gather info and decide what to do.
we talked for a long time about everything. I apologized for not telling her sooner, she apologized for involving me in a huge mess without my knowledge, lots of apologies all around and emotional talk. she said she felt kind of betrayed by M, but also felt that she didn't have the right to feel that way considering....everything. I then told her that I hadn't talked to M about this yet, and that I would leave the news up to her discretion since theyre at a level of commitment I simply don't have with either of them. I offered to tell him myself or to be there with her, or to keep myself out of it if that's what she preferred.
she decided that she wanted to talk to M by herself and would let me know how things went, and I agreed with this. she told me I love you, gave me a kiss, and off she went.
that night at like 4 in the morning I get texts from M. he says he and C have been up all night talking about the situation, and that he's upset with me for not divulging the fact that I'd been dating both of them sooner, but that he understands why I was hesitant and doesn't blame me. he gives a long-winded apology for involving me in the whole situation, then says that he needs time to think about everything with C and that they want to work on their communication and their marriage, so he'd be taking space from our relationship for the time being. I text him back once I've woken up and apologize too, and tell him I understand. C texts me a similar thing about needing time and space, I tell her the same thing.
I'm not like, completely stupid. I knew this was gonna be a really likely possibility, but it still hurts in a lot of ways. I feel kind of betrayed by both of them for making me a mistress without my knowledge, and I'm also heartbroken because I do genuinely love both of them despite the fact that I'm a little angry with them in this moment. maybe I'm jumping the gun by thinking "taking time" means a breakup, but I can't help but feel like that's what it is. maybe I'm just catastrophizing bc of anxiety, but I really don't know how else to feel tbh, or how to talk myself off this ledge.
I also feel incredibly selfish for wanting something from them still while they're trying to figure out how they're going to move forward in their relationship, esp because obviously their marriage takes priority over "woman I've loved for half a year".
it's been almost a week and I haven't heard from either of them yet, so I've kinda just been wallowing in my misery and expecting the worst. I don't feel like it's appropriate for me to reach out and also feel it would be unfair of me to do so since they both asked for time, so I'm kinda just in waiting mode until I hear from them.
they're both genuinely really great people despite how the situation has turned out, and I really hope things work out for them and they can work thru this together. but man I can't help but wish that I could be there, too.
if I hear back from them I might update again (it's kind of nice to vent about everything in an anonymous setting), but if they don't contact me again then....I guess that's all from me. thanks for listening to my dumb feelings
